Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Sure got ugly last night........

Well, it finally happened. Cheney's finally lost it, and that's for sure. I had to hide in a closet for a whole hour before it finally blew over....

It started with Rove coming back from a grovelin' to that prosecutor fella, trying to work a deal to save his speckly white behind from goin' to jail. His eyes were all red and puffy, like he'd been cryin' or somethin. When he walked into the Oval office, Mr. Cheney took one look at that hang-dog expression and just started jerking real funny like. I think that weird pacemaker keepin' him alive was going off like whippets at a Skull and Bones shindig. Then he stopped seizing up and punched the Turd straight in the kisser! I had to fake like I was coughin' to keep from laughin' out loud, 'cause if that old B&^%#^& heard as much as a chuckle outta me, I knew I'd be next.

Ole Rove looked really surprised by the punch, 'cause usually Cheney gets you in a dark room before he works you over. The Turd started back crabbin' away from Mr. Cheney, and ran straight into the wall! Right then, that weasel Libby came stormin' through the door, lookin' white as a sheet. He started jabberin' and a cryin', sayin' stuff like "What did you tell him, what did you say? You better not said have anything about me or I'm telling the press about how you forged that letter Rather got caught with!"

Now that last thing he said kinda made me mad, 'cause they all know I scammed outta the Guard fair and square and there ain't no need to drag up the past. But before I could say anything, Cheney rushed over and grabbed that boy by the throat, squeezing real hard. Libby's eyes started buggin' and I seen the fear of God in that boy's eyes, I swear. That big vein on Cheney's head was a bulgin' and a throbbin' and he was beet red. Then he whispered real low, in a voice that would freeze Raygun's blood in hell: "Shut the F*ck up before I pop your head like a zit'. He dropped him, and old Libby crumpled up on the floor. Then Cheney took out his Derringer and shot him in the foot. (I think that's boy's gonna be on crutches for a LONG time.)

I was both excited and scared watchin' all of this, but since Cheney wasn't lookin' at me close I decided to skee-daddle quietly out the back door of the office, before he turned his tender mercies on ME. Them Secret boys listening at the door looked mighty scared, like they always do when Cheney decides to discipline the staff. I just kinda whistled while I walked past, to make it look like there wasn't anything special happenin'. Then I snuck into my bedroom closet with that bottle of Jim Beam and the six-pack I snuck past Laura.

That stuff warmed me up real good, and I fell asleep and dreamed about the time I was flyin' Kennyboy's plane and we was doing shots of Jim Beam and throwin' darts at the stewardesses.......

You ever had a Boilermaker? That stuff is the nectar of the Gods......

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Cheney won't quit until Satan tells him to.....

That pinko Kevin Drum wrote somethin' over at that commie website "The Washington Monthly" that made me smile:

"Of course, I'd still like to see Cheney resign today. Who do I need to see about getting that done?"

So would I! That crazy old F&*#^%. He f-in tooka strap to me just last week, and Laura just laughed. Only Condi understands me, that's fer sure. If I ever catch that old coot asleep in the West Wing, I won't hesitate to send him on to visit his old friends Casey and Raygun. But I better not do that, 'cause they may indict ME instead! Besides that old fart scares me. Sometimes he stares at me just like that slimey ghost that's crawlin' down the stair way in "The Grudge". Creepy.

I really think the old coot is gettin' a little antsy about this whole 'leak' thing. When it first came up, I thought they were talkin' about that time I wasn't payin' attention at the urinal in the executive wash room and puddled up the floor. Lucky I was able to sneak outta there before anyone knew I'd done it. But that wasn't the investigation they was talkin' 'bout. Turns out it WASN'T ok to spread that Plame chick's name around town like the clap. 'Course, that wasn't what Cheney said at the time. Then again, he hardly tells me s&*t about what's really goin' on. As long as he leaves me to my new XBox, I'm happy. Halo 3 rocks, dude!

But all this commotion around the Oval office has got me sneakin' out more and more to to get a snootful of the Ole Grand Dad. Mmmmm, it burns on the way down, but gets you stone-cold f-ed up! Man, when I'm flyin' with the Dad, I can almost SMELL the old days down in Texas City, when we'd go down to score some of those skank strippers that worked the rubes near the refineries. I still got me some of those g-strings I scored hid away, I think.

You ever been to Texas City?

Friday, October 07, 2005

A little Court Room time ain't nothin'! (If your Daddy works for the CIA...)

Shhh, I gotta be quiet, Mr. Cheney's stalking the halls, draggin' around his crash cart looking to ream me out again......

You'd think all these people wouldn't panic about a few little indictments. They keep telling me they're the 'adults', and that I should just shut up. Well, looks whose the calm one now (me!) If they'd all been in a court room as much as me, they wouldn't be worried at t'all. There ain't no prosecutor that Daddy's 'boys' from the old days back in the '70s can't make see the 'light', if you know what I mean. I got mucho respect for them after they hung that judge's dog back in '71, and got me community service for gettin' busted with that kilo of snow. I think even Mr. Cheney's afraid of 'em, and he likes to pull the heads off of ferrets for fun up at his ranch. Nasty ole scumbag.

Whu-wee, the horse hockeys sure hit the fan yesterday about Karl's little leak! I thought I was almost finally gonna be rid of Cheney, cause I thought his heart stint was gonna burst outta his chest like an alien baby, he was so mad. Karl ain't come outta his office since the old bastard slapped him around the room in the morning. I snuck by to see what I could snoop out, but all I could hear was some low moaning and crying. It sure made me giggle!

But then momma called, and my day went to hell in a handbasket. My ear's still ringin' from that old harpy's screech. Jeez, you'd think I pissed my bed again, like that time back in Kennebunkport when I passed out after a night of drinking with Jeb and I threw up on the couch. Luckily, I gotta a few screams in edge wise when she would try to catch her breath between insane rants. Thank God she's still got that shortness of breath problem, or else I'd have to have hung up on her agin. I think Daddy threw a few Zanax down her throat after that, 'cause she didn't call back again later, like she usually does when she can think of some more insults. I had to sneak some scotch after that.....

MMmmmmmm, Dwyers scotch.... I gotta real taste for that stuff back in Birmingham, but it sure got me in trouble with that secretary. I could swoooore she'd said 'OK', not 'get away'. Lucky thing Daddy got me outta there back to Houston or her Pappy woulda painted my face black and introduced me to the family's lynchin' tree....

Why were we talking about Alabama for?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Turd's Buggin', man! Sombody's givin' him 'Fitz'! (ha!)

JezzuZ H. Kee-rist! Ole Rove was screaming curse words I can't even spell this afternoon during my nap. I woke up with such a start from the noise that I almost broke my Gameboy, that was laying next to me on the couch. At first I thought we'd been hit by them A-rabs while I wasn't payin' attention again, but it was just Turd Blossom beatin' the bejesus outta his aide out in the hall. He was a-screamin' and a carry-in on, hell, I thought he was about to slap me again. I still gotta knot he gave me 'cause of that whole guitar strummin' incident while the darkies where learnin' the backstroke in 'Nawlins. Cripes.
Then Mr. Cheney came in with that 'look' on his face, and I seen real fear on the face of the Turd like I never seen before! Last time I seen that 'look' from that old b*stard was when they caught me with that wire I wore at the first debate last year. Good thing we got away with that one, or Cheney woulda finally used that switchblade on me that he keeps cleaning his fingernails with while we have one of our 'talks'. Miserable Pr*ck.
At least this grand jury thingie will get the spotlight off me for a while. I can't BELIEVE all the trouble that Big Easy thing caused me. Mr. Cheney was screamin' at me 10 hours a day over the phone to go out and look 'presidential' for the folk. I don't even know what that means. I think he wants me to stand up straighter or something.
Yeah, momma used to talk just like that to me. It's no wonder me and Johnny Walker got to be such good friends. Nothing like a Boilermaker with a little Johnny Red to take the edge off another of those miserable family dinners. Mmmmm, Johnny Red. Me and the Bass brothers would go on 5 day benders out in Matamoros with a couple of cases of JD and Johnny Red, to coooool the fire of those 36 hour Peruvian marching powder binges. Lucky my septum healed back up. For a while there, I coulda wore a ring through my nose like one of them Bushmen of the Kalahari. Good times, Good times....
Did the Rangers get in the play-offs? I forgot to check.......