Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Sure got ugly last night........

Well, it finally happened. Cheney's finally lost it, and that's for sure. I had to hide in a closet for a whole hour before it finally blew over....

It started with Rove coming back from a grovelin' to that prosecutor fella, trying to work a deal to save his speckly white behind from goin' to jail. His eyes were all red and puffy, like he'd been cryin' or somethin. When he walked into the Oval office, Mr. Cheney took one look at that hang-dog expression and just started jerking real funny like. I think that weird pacemaker keepin' him alive was going off like whippets at a Skull and Bones shindig. Then he stopped seizing up and punched the Turd straight in the kisser! I had to fake like I was coughin' to keep from laughin' out loud, 'cause if that old B&^%#^& heard as much as a chuckle outta me, I knew I'd be next.

Ole Rove looked really surprised by the punch, 'cause usually Cheney gets you in a dark room before he works you over. The Turd started back crabbin' away from Mr. Cheney, and ran straight into the wall! Right then, that weasel Libby came stormin' through the door, lookin' white as a sheet. He started jabberin' and a cryin', sayin' stuff like "What did you tell him, what did you say? You better not said have anything about me or I'm telling the press about how you forged that letter Rather got caught with!"

Now that last thing he said kinda made me mad, 'cause they all know I scammed outta the Guard fair and square and there ain't no need to drag up the past. But before I could say anything, Cheney rushed over and grabbed that boy by the throat, squeezing real hard. Libby's eyes started buggin' and I seen the fear of God in that boy's eyes, I swear. That big vein on Cheney's head was a bulgin' and a throbbin' and he was beet red. Then he whispered real low, in a voice that would freeze Raygun's blood in hell: "Shut the F*ck up before I pop your head like a zit'. He dropped him, and old Libby crumpled up on the floor. Then Cheney took out his Derringer and shot him in the foot. (I think that's boy's gonna be on crutches for a LONG time.)

I was both excited and scared watchin' all of this, but since Cheney wasn't lookin' at me close I decided to skee-daddle quietly out the back door of the office, before he turned his tender mercies on ME. Them Secret boys listening at the door looked mighty scared, like they always do when Cheney decides to discipline the staff. I just kinda whistled while I walked past, to make it look like there wasn't anything special happenin'. Then I snuck into my bedroom closet with that bottle of Jim Beam and the six-pack I snuck past Laura.

That stuff warmed me up real good, and I fell asleep and dreamed about the time I was flyin' Kennyboy's plane and we was doing shots of Jim Beam and throwin' darts at the stewardesses.......

You ever had a Boilermaker? That stuff is the nectar of the Gods......

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Cheney won't quit until Satan tells him to.....

That pinko Kevin Drum wrote somethin' over at that commie website "The Washington Monthly" that made me smile:

"Of course, I'd still like to see Cheney resign today. Who do I need to see about getting that done?"

So would I! That crazy old F&*#^%. He f-in tooka strap to me just last week, and Laura just laughed. Only Condi understands me, that's fer sure. If I ever catch that old coot asleep in the West Wing, I won't hesitate to send him on to visit his old friends Casey and Raygun. But I better not do that, 'cause they may indict ME instead! Besides that old fart scares me. Sometimes he stares at me just like that slimey ghost that's crawlin' down the stair way in "The Grudge". Creepy.

I really think the old coot is gettin' a little antsy about this whole 'leak' thing. When it first came up, I thought they were talkin' about that time I wasn't payin' attention at the urinal in the executive wash room and puddled up the floor. Lucky I was able to sneak outta there before anyone knew I'd done it. But that wasn't the investigation they was talkin' 'bout. Turns out it WASN'T ok to spread that Plame chick's name around town like the clap. 'Course, that wasn't what Cheney said at the time. Then again, he hardly tells me s&*t about what's really goin' on. As long as he leaves me to my new XBox, I'm happy. Halo 3 rocks, dude!

But all this commotion around the Oval office has got me sneakin' out more and more to to get a snootful of the Ole Grand Dad. Mmmmm, it burns on the way down, but gets you stone-cold f-ed up! Man, when I'm flyin' with the Dad, I can almost SMELL the old days down in Texas City, when we'd go down to score some of those skank strippers that worked the rubes near the refineries. I still got me some of those g-strings I scored hid away, I think.

You ever been to Texas City?

Friday, October 07, 2005

A little Court Room time ain't nothin'! (If your Daddy works for the CIA...)

Shhh, I gotta be quiet, Mr. Cheney's stalking the halls, draggin' around his crash cart looking to ream me out again......

You'd think all these people wouldn't panic about a few little indictments. They keep telling me they're the 'adults', and that I should just shut up. Well, looks whose the calm one now (me!) If they'd all been in a court room as much as me, they wouldn't be worried at t'all. There ain't no prosecutor that Daddy's 'boys' from the old days back in the '70s can't make see the 'light', if you know what I mean. I got mucho respect for them after they hung that judge's dog back in '71, and got me community service for gettin' busted with that kilo of snow. I think even Mr. Cheney's afraid of 'em, and he likes to pull the heads off of ferrets for fun up at his ranch. Nasty ole scumbag.

Whu-wee, the horse hockeys sure hit the fan yesterday about Karl's little leak! I thought I was almost finally gonna be rid of Cheney, cause I thought his heart stint was gonna burst outta his chest like an alien baby, he was so mad. Karl ain't come outta his office since the old bastard slapped him around the room in the morning. I snuck by to see what I could snoop out, but all I could hear was some low moaning and crying. It sure made me giggle!

But then momma called, and my day went to hell in a handbasket. My ear's still ringin' from that old harpy's screech. Jeez, you'd think I pissed my bed again, like that time back in Kennebunkport when I passed out after a night of drinking with Jeb and I threw up on the couch. Luckily, I gotta a few screams in edge wise when she would try to catch her breath between insane rants. Thank God she's still got that shortness of breath problem, or else I'd have to have hung up on her agin. I think Daddy threw a few Zanax down her throat after that, 'cause she didn't call back again later, like she usually does when she can think of some more insults. I had to sneak some scotch after that.....

MMmmmmmm, Dwyers scotch.... I gotta real taste for that stuff back in Birmingham, but it sure got me in trouble with that secretary. I could swoooore she'd said 'OK', not 'get away'. Lucky thing Daddy got me outta there back to Houston or her Pappy woulda painted my face black and introduced me to the family's lynchin' tree....

Why were we talking about Alabama for?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Turd's Buggin', man! Sombody's givin' him 'Fitz'! (ha!)

JezzuZ H. Kee-rist! Ole Rove was screaming curse words I can't even spell this afternoon during my nap. I woke up with such a start from the noise that I almost broke my Gameboy, that was laying next to me on the couch. At first I thought we'd been hit by them A-rabs while I wasn't payin' attention again, but it was just Turd Blossom beatin' the bejesus outta his aide out in the hall. He was a-screamin' and a carry-in on, hell, I thought he was about to slap me again. I still gotta knot he gave me 'cause of that whole guitar strummin' incident while the darkies where learnin' the backstroke in 'Nawlins. Cripes.
Then Mr. Cheney came in with that 'look' on his face, and I seen real fear on the face of the Turd like I never seen before! Last time I seen that 'look' from that old b*stard was when they caught me with that wire I wore at the first debate last year. Good thing we got away with that one, or Cheney woulda finally used that switchblade on me that he keeps cleaning his fingernails with while we have one of our 'talks'. Miserable Pr*ck.
At least this grand jury thingie will get the spotlight off me for a while. I can't BELIEVE all the trouble that Big Easy thing caused me. Mr. Cheney was screamin' at me 10 hours a day over the phone to go out and look 'presidential' for the folk. I don't even know what that means. I think he wants me to stand up straighter or something.
Yeah, momma used to talk just like that to me. It's no wonder me and Johnny Walker got to be such good friends. Nothing like a Boilermaker with a little Johnny Red to take the edge off another of those miserable family dinners. Mmmmm, Johnny Red. Me and the Bass brothers would go on 5 day benders out in Matamoros with a couple of cases of JD and Johnny Red, to coooool the fire of those 36 hour Peruvian marching powder binges. Lucky my septum healed back up. For a while there, I coulda wore a ring through my nose like one of them Bushmen of the Kalahari. Good times, Good times....
Did the Rangers get in the play-offs? I forgot to check.......

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Them Corpses are Floatin' in N.O. jus' like a keg!

Well now, why'd you want to see them dead bodies, anyways? It's not like they need rescuing anymore. Mr. Cheney says its the funniest thing he's seen, all them floaters, but then he gets all quiet like when Mr. Rove screams at him about the polls. That's why I have so much respect for the Turd Blossom, he don't take nos%*& from that miserable old pr*ck. Ole Karl would chew a baby's head off rather than see ONE picture of some bloated bone-bag on the teevee. One time I seen him slap his aide straight in the head when he'd seen a coffin coming back from I-rak on NBC, and that poor bastard kid hadn't done nothing! I sure watched my Ps and Qs after seeing that one, I can tell ya. You'd think he inherited his temper from my momma, they way he screams like a banshee after I flub another one of those flowery speeches he keeps making me say in front of the rubes. He jus' don't understand how hard it is for me to read all them big words, and to pronounce all them sand n*&&@# names at those boring photo ops. It's not like I give a sh*t enough to care what a Talabani or Allawi is, much like how to say it. My Saudi boys were always nice and kind enough to give me a hand (literally, hah!) when I meet with them to discuss what my positions on foreign policy is 'spose to be. Them boys always took real good care of me, 'specially with all the duty free tequila (if ya know what I mean!) they bring me. Man, them boys sure know how to run a country. I wish I could behead me a Kennedy. I would get a stiffy, just like the old days back in Matamoros. Mmmmmm, Matamoros. I sure do miss Matamoros. You could suck down a worm from inside a bottle, then one of them senoritas would do the same for yourn!Man, I kill me sometimes, I'm so funny.....
Why was I talkin' about Mexico agin?

Saturday, September 03, 2005

No Gas, Homicide Bomber problem solved!

Yuh see, I told ya I would solve them problems over in Irak. Now that they ain't got any gas, they can't car bomb my buddies trying to deliver their invoices to the Green Zone. And let me tell ya, Mr. Cheney has been FURIOUS that his boys over at KBR weren't getting their checks promptly. There ain't NOTHING that pisses him off more than not gettin' paid, 'cept maybe when he catches me snoring during those disastor prepardness drills. Cranky C&*%$^&*#$. Hell, he's the b%^#$%& who came up with this whole 'freedom and Democracy" Cluster F*&# I got to deal with everyday for the next four years. And now he's screamin' all day long that we can't finish the job in Iran now that the Nawlins looks like Baghdad on the Missisippi. I don't now what he's bitchin' about, 'cause I'm the one whose gotta grin and grip with all that white trash and bayou scum down there while he house hunts up in the mountains. And Condi, she ain't no help at all now the I's been re-elected and she can go on shoppin' sprees with her fag friends in NYC. Ungrateful B*(&^. She's been takin' me for granted ever since giving her the SoS after I booted Colin out for calling me an ignoramus. I had to look that damn word up in the dictionary and I was none to pleased onct I read what it meant, I can tell you. Iffin' he had called me that back in '73 I woulda knocked him silly, but then again, back then a boy of his ethnic persuasion woulda been shinning my shoes, not sittin' at the table with me like some kinda equal. Those were the days! I coulda oft a uppity N&*&^& like him and Daddy woulda just had my record washed clean just like back in Houston. I sure do miss those days in Tejas, when I could snort up a O.Z. with Jimmy Bass and then go knock some heads or score some of that hot Mexican tail down in Pasadena. Mmmmm, Mexican tail. Boy, I had to see Doc a lot cause of all those visits to them senoritas............

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Nawlin's is Darlin'!

Man, did ya see all them Darkies at the stadium down their in Nawlins'? I was on my exercise bike watching Fox, when they showed all them welfare mothers crying and a carryin' on. Funniest thing thing I seen since them Shiites runt all over each other in Bhagdad. But then Mr. Cheney slapped me in the back of the head (again!) and told me to start acting like an 'adult'. Pr*&k. He kept goin' on and on about how this don't look so good and how it was gonna f-up his plan to bomb the Eye-a-tollahs in Tehran. God, he never shuts about about blowing up those F&*%^%s in Iran.
Then Turd Blossom comes in and starts screaming at me too, about how I stayed too long on my well-derserved vacation and everybody was posting that picture of me strummin' away all over the Internets while Nawlins was drowning in its own filth. Them Darkies didn't vote for me anyway, so what should I care? It's not like I got to run for reelection or anything. Boy, I sure needed a drink after that last election. Thank God them Diebold boys came through in Ohio. Luckily I was able to throw a few quarts back before Mr. Cheney caught me and gave another shiner like back in Dec. '00.

Turd Blossom keeps rantin' about FEMA. What is that, anyways? I thought it was a bone in your leg....